A Step, A Half, Not a DANCE, A FAMILY

Many moons ago, my family consisted of my mom, dad brother and I, two sets of grandparents and various aunts and uncles. 

It was easy to remember what to call my mom and dad.  They were mom and dad.  When anyone asked who the kid was sitting next to me in the car was, I would say he was my brother.  I lived a pretty simple life.

Oh, how things have changed.

Today, I look at the child that I take to daycare almost every day and tuck into bed every night and I wish his life were so simple.

We have endless conversations about "what do I call _______.  Is he my half-brother or my step-brother?  Is _____ my step-dad or is he my my ex-step dad now or is just nothing now?" 

My sweet 8-year-old step son has lived 5 lifetimes already.  When I became part of his family, he was 4 and we were instantly bonded.  We spent a wonderful year together when his father was deployed to Korea for a year and his mommy and I went back and forth to do the every-other-weekend thing.  He has come to know me by my first name, but because he wants to have that strong bond with me, he has often asked me if it would be more appropriate to call me "step-mommy" or "mommy number 2".  He, of course, just wants to find a name to call me that seems to be more endearing than just my name.

Now, though, he is faced with a really hard situation.  While his mom and dad have maintained such a wonderful relationship and have always showed him the absolute best example of how to be parents while divorced, his mom just went through another seperation with her current husband, has a new male friend and that is making him, for the first time, realize that HIS parents divorced, too.

And that is bringing up all kinds of questions.  What will happen to his half-brother?  What does he call his now ex-step father that he has known for the last 6 years?  Will this new man take his place?  What about the step-brother that he knew and loved for so long?

These questions can overwhelm someone who should be playing ball in the back yard and climbing trees with the kids in the neighborhood.

As parents, we must be sensitive to his questions, answer them honestly, but remember that he is too young to know the big bad details of the world around him.  We are cautious to NEVER make the mistake of painting anyone involved in a bad light.  While there might be parties involved (name any of the exes on any side) that could be in the wrong, does the child need to know that?  Who would that satisfy but you?

In my role, as the step-mom, I am satisfied to know that I will never be mom.  I was not made to fill that role in his life.  While he will spend the majority of time with me, while I will be a huge influence on him and I will help shape him and mold him.  I am still just a part of who he will be. 

I will wear my role with honor.  I will help him understand who the other people are in his vast network of family.  I will tell him that he is blessed to have more and more people to love him and for him to love.  I will tell him that the heart always has room to love more and more and more.  That is one of the beautiful things about love. 

There is always room for more.